Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Randomize