man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Found your dick twin last night
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
