the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
