So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
well you can't waste a boner
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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