I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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