This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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