oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
