once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
