you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
