my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
She's not a foreskin expert like you
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
