That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize