i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
