If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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