I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize