we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
