Banned from zoo.
Again?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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