Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
