I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
