i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm like, not good at living.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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