What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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