using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
