im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
