my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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