erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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