Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
