Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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