Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Randomize
