dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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