Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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