omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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