Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
