Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize