So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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