come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
