Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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