The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize