Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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