Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
