theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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