On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
