apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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