So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
