My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
