So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I stole a fireplace last night.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
