I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
