Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
