I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
