kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
