Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
