thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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