You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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