Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Randomize
