so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
