did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
