Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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