Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
