She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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