my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
