I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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