she looked like the before picture.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
