Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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