Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
