I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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