if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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