Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
