How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
