sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
