I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
