My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
