I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
