did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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