you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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