I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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