i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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