How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Randomize
