glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
