i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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